Weight – 277 on Sunday

Yes, I’m late yet again. I’m feeling frustrated for a few reasons. The first, of course, is that I haven’t lost any weight. But I’m also in therapy now and I’m wondering how much good it’s doing. I am starting to feel like maybe it’s not really worth it. It’s very early on (I’ve only had 4 sessions) but I feel like we are moving at a glacial pace and not really progressing. So, as always, here is a list of things that I have already learned thanks to therapy.

1. I have a fear of being hungry. I don’t like feeling hungry and for me sometimes hunger quickly turns into feeling shaky, dizzy and faint. It’s not a fun feeling and it sucks when I am stuck in a situation (ie. in a three hour lecture) that I can’t leave. Obviously the solution to this is to make sure that I always have snacks on me whether it’s a granola bar or better yet, fresh fruits and veggies.

2. I also have a fear of not having access to food. This is related to the first point but it also stems from my experiences when I still lived with my family. My brother and my dad were notorious for eating whatever they wanted in whatever amount they wanted without any regards to the rest of the family. My mother reached a point where she would have to hide the deli meat she used for our sandwiches because my dad would eat it all as a snack. Meanwhile my brother would consistently eat all the food that we were supposed to share. For example, one time my mom bought my brother and I a bag of cookies. I had two cookies out of the bunch. The next day they were all gone.

I realize it may not sound like a big deal when it’s typed out but for me it was extremely frustrating to think that I would have access to a certain type of food only to find out that it had disappeared. Since I wasn’t in a position to buy groceries I couldn’t just go to the store and get more (I’m from suburbia, where you have to drive everywhere). Instead I had to go without until my mom was willing to buy more. I think a lot of times this led me to overeat because I figured that when I was presented with food it would be my only chance to eat it before it disappeared.

3. I’m in denial about how much and what I actually have to eat to lose weight because I’m afraid that I will constantly be hungry/bored/coveting fatty food. Okay, this part is especially true. I hate the idea of not being able to eat what I want when I want. I hate those people who talked about how they could eat whatever they wanted in high school and not gain a pound. I’m not one of those people. I’ve never been one of those people. I also know that for me it’s not realistic to start having fat free cheese, fat free yogurt and skim milk. Fuck that. I can live with (and tend to prefer) low fat options but fat free is going too far. And yes, as I’ve stated before I am actually afraid of feeling hungry all the time. I worry that if I want to lose 100+ pounds I will have to survive solely on rabbit food and never be able to eat anything satisfying again. I know I can do it, I think I just have to look closely at what I am actually consuming, be sure to fill up on healthy snacks and maybe get a bit more familiar with the dreaded calorie count.

I hate the idea of counting calories. It seems complicated, time consuming and boring. And if I actually make a recipe with say, ten different ingredients then how am I supposed to figure out the calorie count of it? Well, I know that I don’t really have to do that but I think it will help if I can look at what I eat realistically.

So that’s it. That’s what I’ve gotten from therapy. I don’t think I’m going to get much more and considering the cost I am definitely starting to question whether or not it’s worth it. And to be completely honest, I think I would be better served if I had time to do something else rather than having to run across town to a therapy appointment. I haven’t made up my mind 100% yet but I think last week may have been my last session.

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