I try to keep this blog mostly positive. It’s a way for me to write about issues that I face and also find inspiration to keep going. But tonight I messed up big time. I was/am so mad at myself. I’ve decided to share what I wrote on a certain message board right after it happened.

“Last night I ended up ordering an entire small pizza for myself (that’s 6 slices). I had eaten pretty well all day and thought what the heck, it’s Saturday. Then tonight I did it AGAIN!! Wtf?! I used the excuse that I won’t be able to eat tomorrow morning (I have to get an abdominal ultrasound) so I need something to really fill me up.

I am so fucking mad at myself. I can’t believe that I actually wonder how I got this big when I consider my actual eating habits. It wasn’t even a remotely healthy pizza, it had steak, sausage and cheesy sauce on it. Ugh. I keep telling myself that I will only eat bad once in a while, like maybe once a week but it keeps happening day after day after day. I am really proud of myself for going to the gym but I’m not going to lose any weight if I keep eating like this. I keep imagining that whenever I eat like this my arteries are slowly getting clogged with the actual food and I’m just gonna keel over and have a heart attack. I don’t know why I can’t just do this already, I’ve had too many wakeup calls.

Oh, and the best part is that when I go home again I have to go shopping for a bridesmaid dress! That should be fun. Apparently they need to order them 4-6 months in advance. I am afraid that they won’t have anything that will even fit me. At the very least I am hoping that they can order something and hopefully I will have lost some weight by the wedding.

I’m still so mad at myself though. I knew last year that I would be a bridesmaid and I haven’t lost a single pound. But it’s not only that, I want to lose weight just for myself. I can’t handle walking around being 274 pounds anymore. This is fucking ridiculous.”

This is an honest example of the anger and loathing that I cause myself whenever my behaviour gets out of control. I don’t want any sympathy, I just want to share it.

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