I’ve calmed down quite a bit since last night’s post. Actually I started to calm down as soon as I got out all that anger, hatred and frustration. I certainly haven’t eaten perfectly today but it’s an improvement. And to help things along, I threw out all of my recycling including the pizza boxes and every single pizza flyer that was laying around my apartment. I also washed all of my dirty dishes. There’s something about cleaning that makes me feel better. It’s almost like an emotional purge. Rather than seeing everything laid out before me in a mess, it’s all nice and neat and put away.

The funny thing about the last post is that I had already wanted to write about the fact that I’ve been feeling disappointed with myself. Like I said earlier, I knew last year that my brother would be getting married. Heck, I knew a few months before he even got engaged (he had already bought the engagement ring six months before proposing). I also knew that I would most likely be going to India this year. Last year I thought that I would lose a lot of weight and be able to go on a huge shopping spree while I was in India because the selection is huge and the prices are incredibly cheap. Instead I found each month passing by without me losing any weight. And for a long time I wasn’t even trying. I just kept thinking to myself, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll start after Valentine’s day/Easter/Thanksgiving/my birthday/Christmas.” You get the idea. I was disappointed not only because I went to India and couldn’t buy a ton of outfits but also because I was embarrassed that my grandparents would see me looking like this. I know that they probably didn’t care. I hadn’t seen them in nearly 8 years so they were just happy that I was finally visiting, but at times I feel like I’m a big disappointment to my family. I keep thinking that when I was born this probably isn’t how they expected me to turn out. And as my mom once said, it upsets her to know that I am so unhappy with the way that I am.

The one thing that gives me hope is knowing that other people have had false starts before they finally start losing weight for real. The woman who actually inspired me to start this blog had an entire year of entries (just like me) before she got serious and just did it.

So what are some of the things that I still need to change? Well, as always I have written them down in a handy little list.

1. No more frozen macaroni and cheese! No ifs, ands or buts. I simply can’t continue to eat that stuff and expect to lose weight.

2. Cut waaaaaaay back on the cheese. Can you tell I like cheese? I swear you could put it on almost anything and I’ll eat it. That’s kind of the problem. I’m not going to cut out cheese altogether but I am definitely going to cut back.

3. Cut way back on the juice! I gave up drinking pop about a month ago for Lent (that’s another post altogether). I thought it would make a huge difference because people always say they lost soooo much weight after they stopped drinking pop. I haven’t lost any weight but then I realized that it’s partly because I’ve been drinking a lot of juice. For those of you who aren’t in the know, juice and pop sadly have around the same sugar content. It’s disappointing because juice seems like a healthy alternative but it’s still extremely sugary and it isn’t going to help me lose weight.

4. Start loving myself (not in a gross way). I’ve heard over and over again that it’s impossible to lose weight and keep it off if you don’t show yourself some love first. I have to finally accept that I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to look the way that I want.

5. Finally, when in doubt I am going to rely on my imaginary Sassy Gay Friend. SGF is always there to remind me to “look at your life, look at your choices.” So perhaps the next time I’m feeling down on myself and about to order an entire freakin pizza just for me, I should remember his little saying.

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