A while back I started to write about my past and the experiences that led me to this point in my life of being extremely overweight. It all started when I was quite young. At 9 years old I gained some weight and quickly learned that a lot of people have no trouble telling a 9 year old girl she is fat. Then my height evened out with my weight. I got taller and developed feminine curves. I had a bigger frame than some of the other girls in my class but I was by no means fat.

When I was 15 something strange happened though. I actually got fat. Or chubby. Or overweight or whatever you want to call it. I gained 30 pounds in a matter of just a few months although it felt like it happened overnight. I am still not entirely sure what happened. Maybe it was because I stopped taking gym class so that I could learn guitar instead. Maybe I was eating too many chocolate chip cookies. Either way I was horrified to step on the scale and find that I weighed 162 pounds. Strangely enough my size didn’t change much. Although it was a 30 pound gain I only went up one size (from a 12 to a 14).

What really horrified me was the stretch marks. I had deep purple stretch marks that looked like evil claws reaching up my stomach. I knew I had gained weight but I am sure that I wouldn’t have felt so bad about it if it weren’t for the stretch marks. No one had ever told me about stretch marks. I thought they were something that only pregnant women got. I was ashamed and embarrassed by them. Now I would definitely never be able to wear a bikini (and yes, wearing a bikini was a secret lifelong goal that I had).

By the time I was 16 or 17 I was trying to change. After gaining weight I decided that I would sign up for gym class again in an effort to lose weight. It didn’t work. I even signed up for Weight Watchers but only lost about 3 pounds. My mom allowed me to get a gym membership but I rarely went because I couldn’t drive and I wasn’t really willing to take the bus to the gym. I never lost any weight. Instead I continued to gain. By the time I finished high school I was about 172 pounds. I felt horrible about my weight. Strangely enough, after all of those years of believing I was fat when I wasn’t, it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy had occurred. I now put myself firmly in the fat girls club, a place that I have been hoping to escape ever since.

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