I want to talk a bit about depression and trying to move away from it. I have recently gone through a stressful experience. I got a job and then decided to quit after just a few weeks. After considering the disorganization of the workplace, the horrible attitude of the boss (think Miranda Priestley only with no excuse for the ego) and the fact that I found myself crying regularly the night before I had to go into work, I decided that it wasn’t worth it to keep going back, especially not for minimum wage. I have decided instead that I will try to get a retail job. At 28 and with seven years of postsecondary education under my belt this isn’t exactly where I pictured my life heading. But at the very least, a retail job would give me a steady income with flexible hours while allowing me to work on my writing (yes, I’ve finally realized that I should take this endeavour seriously) and still apply for my dream job in advertising.
Anyway, I realized while working at the hell job that I was very nearly on the verge of sinking back into a deep depression. I did my best to try to change my headspace but it wasn’t enough. I talked to my mom a lot about how I was trying to change my thinking and become a more positive person. So for my birthday, October 10th, she gave me the book “The Power of Positive Thinking.” I was thrilled. I will warn anyone who is reading this that the book basically suggests a lot of bible reading so if you aren’t into that kind of thing then it may not be of much help to you. I’ve never considered myself a very religious person, more spiritual if anything, but lately I have actually found myself wanting to go to church. I even found a great church right downtown that aligns with my views. It’s Anglican, is LGBT friendly and actually acts on what the bible says by doing things like having a daily soup kitchen and organizing all sorts of charity events. I’ve only gone a few times but I think that I may start going more often and try to let the church be a sort of grounding force in my life.
But back to the book and church. As I have started to become more familiar with both I can’t help but notice that each time I partake in one or the other I get emotional. Every time I read a chapter in “The Power of Positive Thinking” I find myself wanting to cry. The same thing happened when I went to church on Sunday. I woke up and felt good about myself for going and yet as the opening hymn began I could barely get the words out. I was afraid that I might burst into tears in front of everyone. The only theory I can come up with is that I have actually been feeling a lot more stressed and wounded than I have admitted to myself. I am convinced that things will get better from here. In fact, the day after I quit my job I got three good bits of news and feedback that gave me even more hope for the future. From here on out I am going to let myself cry as needed. But more importantly I am going to let myself heal and get stronger.