I’ve been sitting at my computer for almost an hour trying to will myself to write this entry. I think it’s time that I finally admit the truth. I believe that I have an eating disorder. It’s commonly called Binge Eating Disorder but it’s also called Compulsive Over-Eating. I’ve been reading up on it and it’s almost like reading a profile of myself. Some of the symptoms that are listed and which apply to me are:
-eats large amounts of food frequently and within one sitting
-eats when depressed or bored
-eats large amounts of food when not really hungry
-eats much more quickly during binge episodes than normal eating episodes
-eats until physically uncomfortable and nauseated due to the amount of food just consumed (I know this one way too well)
-rapid weight gain (I recently gained over ten pounds in under two weeks)
-eats in secret
-feels disgust, depressed or guilty after binge eating
It’s kind of frightening to read that and to re-type it and admit that it applies to me. I’ve also read that 50% of binge eaters have a history of depression so that’s yet another element that applies to me. But admitting it is only the first step. I want to get help but I’m feeling very lost. I hate to even type it but I am at a horrible point in my life right now. I thought that after I graduated I would have a few months to relax at home and enjoy myself before getting into the real world. Instead I find myself feeling thrown right back into old situations that led to all of my earlier bouts of depression. I’m also still worrying deep down that I will never find a “real” job and on top of that, my family and I have had several conversations about putting down our elderly dog. I took a course last semester called Death, Dying and Bereavement. One of the things that I remember my (incredible, amazing, genius) professor saying over and over is that stress is additive. Boy, was she right.
It’s funny how once you feel down it seems like everything just adds to it. But I’m starting to see the light. I’ve decided to take a few steps that I know will benefit me. Obsessing about food and overeating is a way for me to numb and distract myself from the real problems in my life. I’ve never dealt with anything too horrific (I keep reading that sexual abuse is common amongst people with binge eating disorder and thankfully I’ve never dealt with anything even close to that) but I still have to acknowledge the issues that do exist around me.
I have to admit that this is a bigger problem than me simply liking pizza and chocolate too much. It’s absolutely frightening to think about the manic feeling I get while thoughts of food race through my mind faster and faster. I can’t describe how many times I’ve decided to get fast food, ordered far too much and by the time I get it I don’t even want to eat it anymore but I still shove it down. This isn’t normal behaviour and it definitely isn’t healthy. I also know that I’m only hurting myself when I do it. All I can do now is try to seek help (which I’ve already started to do). I’m still going to keep posting. It helps me to have a place to write out what I’m thinking and feeling about food, exercise, weight, etc. I’m not sure how else to end this post other than to say that I have hope that I can turn my life around and make it into something better.