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Tag Archives: 2013

Let it go

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by KA in health, psychology, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

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2013, acceptance, alcoholism, new year, new year's resolutions, resolutions

It’s a new year and once again, it seems that everyone is making resolutions. But a few days ago, I started what will become a lifelong resolution. It’s one that I know I will constantly struggle with but in the end, I will do my best to keep at it because I know that it is what’s best for me. I am going to let go.

What does that mean? Well, let me explain. I am going to share something that I have often tried to hide, that I have often tried to ignore, and just sweep under the rug. My father is an alcoholic. He’s not physically abusive, he isn’t a falling down drunk. In fact, he is a functional alcoholic. In a way, that is almost part of the problem. He figures that his behaviour isn’t extreme enough to warrant being called an alcoholic. Heck, he doesn’t even want to say that he has a drinking problem. Never mind that he feels he “needs” a drink. Never mind that since I have been home for the holidays, he has literally staggered off to bed by 7pm every night. He sits at the dinner table, slurring his speech and is barely able to hold his head up, but he will insist that he doesn’t have a problem.

I tried my best to ignore this behaviour but of course it was impossible. It wasn’t just the forgetfulness or his inability to form a coherent sentence. It was also the fact that my father becomes an absolutely miserable person when he drinks. There is no pleasing him. Once again, it all culminated in an argument between the two of us the day after Christmas. I wanted an apology for his behaviour. He insisted on seeing himself as the victim.

But as I stood there crying (and crying and crying) I finally had a realization. It isn’t worth it. I have tried my best to help my dad change but I finally realized that it’s not my responsibility. What I do or don’t do has no impact on his behaviour. So I need to stop pointing out when he has forgotten the conversation we had the day before. Or when he slurs his words. Or when he simply can’t understand a concept because he has destroyed his mental functioning with years of hard drinking. I finally accepted that what I have been doing is akin to banging my head against a brick wall and expecting a change.

I know that this new path won’t be easy. After all, I have an almost hyper-sensitive awareness of other people’s behaviours and actions. But I know now that I need to do this for my own sake, my own health and my own sanity. And I am determined to finally stop fighting and do what’s best for me.

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What are you doing New Year’s Eve?

30 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by KA in holidays, new year

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2012, 2013, new year's eve, parties, what are you doing new year's eve

nye poster

Another Christmas has come and gone and now New Year’s Eve is almost here. What are you doing for New Year’s Eve? I grew up going to parties thrown by my parents’ friends. Every year I dreaded going to them. I knew that I was in for a few hours of extremely loud bhangra music while trying to awkwardly interact with the other kids in “the group”. I never wanted to go but since I was underage I had to go along with whatever my parents did.

When I got a bit older I had a few years of going out for NYE. I went clubbing a few times and to the occasional house party. Like most people, however, I soon discovered that New Year’s Eve was overrated. Going out to a club for New Year’s entails buying tickets in advance, trying to wear something that’s a little sexy but won’t leave you totally freezing (note: slush and high heels do not mix), and of course, waiting ages for service at the bar because it’s totally overcrowded. And don’t forget that it’s virtually impossible to get a cab because everyone else in the city is also out celebrating.

Finally I decided that I had had enough of trying to go out for some “amazing” New Year’s Eve only for it to become a mess. For the last five years or so I have started a little tradition of my own. I pick up some Chinese food for the entire family and we have a delicious feast after having eaten nothing but turkey for a week. Then my mom and I watch the latest Harry Potter movie while drinking cocktails. We time it so that the movie is over about five minutes before the countdown in Times Square and then we ring in the new year! It might sound a bit boring but I love it. I don’t have to worry about going out and I know that I’ll always make it to my bed safely. Now that the Harry Potter movies are done we’re going to watch other things (this year it’s the 25th anniversary DVD of The Phantom of the Opera!). It may not be for everyone but I love our little low-key celebration.

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My name is Kirthan and this is my little corner of the internet where I write about pop culture, fashion, beauty, life as a plus size woman and whatever is on my mind.
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